In our nature, the ability to overcome difficulties is laid down, the psychoanalyst Alene Poyalum is sure. Когда обиды, ошибки и поражения расшатывают нашу внутреннюю веру в себя, нам стоит научиться иначе смотреть на свои способности и возможности.

Alain Braconnier, consultant of the Pitié-Salepêtrière Paris Hospital, the author of many books, in particular, “protect your“ I ”to live full life” (“Protéger SOI Pour Vivre Pleinement”, Odile Jacob, 2012) and “Optimist"(" Optimiste ", Odile Jacob, 2014).

Psychologies: What does faith mean in itself?

Alain Poacon: Belief in oneself is a subjective feeling, it is our idea of ourselves in relation to our relationship with ourselves and with others. This feeling is absolutely necessary for life. Excess faith often indicates some kind of internal problem that can lead to excessiveness, to paranoia. And vice versa, a significant drawback of faith in itself can be expressed in depression. A person in depression is not able to rely on himself in order to act, to do actions. And in order to again feel faith in oneself, which serves as the basis of our personality, you need to combine several elements. A strong emotional connection with the parental figure, attachment to parents is the main condition for the formation of their own self -awareness as a person, a sense of their being. Когда ребенок ощущает поддержку, видит, что за ним наблюдают с любовью, ободряют его, он чувствует себя любимым в самом прямом смысле слова. If he loves, then he can love himself. This resource resumes and is again created throughout the whole childhood and even all life. Take, for example, a teenager: he is all right, if he can fall in love, grieve when he is thrown, and fall in love with him again. So, he gained and strengthened the ability to overcome failures.

What can damage our faith in oneself?

A. B.: By nature, the ability to overcome difficulties is inherent in us. But at the same time, repeated failures, offensive words that come from a loved one, from a boss or from school friends, shaking self -confidence. And if such situations also echoed some story from the past, which made it out of itself, in their capabilities, which has inflicted a narcissistic trauma, then the pain and experiences associated with the previous injury are returning. This is clearly seen in the example of adults who come to a consultation with the problem of unbelief in themselves, most often expressing it with the words: “I am not the same as it should be, I do not stand anything”. And very often such customers find a problem with studying at school, experienced by them in very young years. Yes, faith in itself is strengthened throughout life, but the same thing happens with disbelief – it intensifies over the years if traumatic events are repeated. There is a risk of falling into a vicious circle: doubting ourselves, we can really do something not quite good, which, in turn, causes a feeling of failure, a fall in self-esteem. This happens not only in work, but also in relations, both love and social.

How to restore the inner sense of security, self -confidence?

A. B.: I think that it is necessary to gradually “tame” yourself, moving from simple to complex. We will not immediately set ourselves too ambitious goals, we will do what we definitely succeed. And we will choose workarounds: entertainment, sports, cooking – all the same, if only we like what we do here, even if this is not directly connected with the area of our life that is vulnerable. So gradually we can again look kindly at ourselves and what we do. This is the psychology of everyday life.

I often see young couples who do not trust themselves at all as parents. They do not know how to rely on themselves, on their intuition, on their minds to raise children. They are afraid to harm. Meanwhile, I think, just watching my child, to notice the signs that he is good is to be able to evaluate our parental abilities and make sure that we have good enough parents

. You also need to rely on the result of what we are doing, and on the opinion of another, because both are the reflection of ourselves. We all urgently need the fundamental recognition of our existence, whether from parents, children, bosses or surroundings. You know, the lack of recognition is one of the main reasons for our suffering at work. We need others so that they quench our narcissism – only then can we adapt ourselves sufficiently and gain faith in our forces. So do not be afraid to say about it, ask. This will already be a big step. But if faith in itself is completely destroyed, up to immersion in depressive states, then psychotherapeutic help is absolutely necessary.